my new fav aesthetic: porn with captions that are written like an attempted creepypasta

whats my beef with attack on titan? click to find out 

1. The title of the show.
one of the most important steps to creating a anime that blows fans away is to give it a title that immediately entices you to watch it.
cat planet cuties, tweeny witches, yamada’s first time, elfen lied. these are all names that give off an air of mystery while also staying tasteful, appealing and doesnt alienate your viewers. what is shingeki? who knows, i only have one year of japanese under my belt (thank you, lisa sensei), and you cant expect people to understand a bunch of foreign words thrown together haphazardly. it only serves to push your audience away even more

2. It’s far too violent 
have you ever heard of “vore” ? its a type of anthropomorphic cartoon porn that furries and bronies enjoy, spoken about in hushed words in even the most hardcore underground internet “communities” such as somethingawful and 4chan. this show has gratuitous amounts of it, which, unsurprisingly, leaves me feeling a bit squeamish. Violence in media can be exciting and even serve to enhance mature themes if done right (see: elfen lied and gantz) but here it just feels like some 14 year old’s gross sexual deviant fantasy, composed on notebook paper in secret when they should be paying attention in class. Looks like they got little boys with suppressed sexual appetites to work on this one. When you suffer a barrage of messages that masturbation is evil and a waste of precious seed daily, it’s not unlikely that you’ll develop some kind of messed up sexual fetish. and for that reason i sympathize with the creators of the show. However, using anime to fulfill some personal masturbatory fantasy and throwing a bunch of needless violence in for the sake of it is wrong and i certainly don’t condone it. if you want a show that does anime violence tastefully, i suggest checking out Elfen Lied. You won’t believe you’re really watching a cartoon when you witness the gritty bloodshed it offers, and it also has full-frontal nudity which adds to the experience even more. Anyway, if attack on titan toned down its gore porn (aka gorn) I’m sure many people would give it a second chance, but there’s also another problem…

3. It’s not relatable
if there’s one major issue i have with attack on titan, it has to be the fact that i don’t care about anything that’s happening, about the character’s, their predicaments, the setting, the titans, everything. emotional investment in an anime is extremely important, and this one missed the boat big time. why are these characters dying? what are titans? why dont they just live underground to hide from the titans? it’s all very unbelievable, and i don’t identify with any of it. However, this could be averted completely, had the author chosen to go with a school setting.  A bunch of teenagers with swords fighting baddies in highschool? Sign me up. and along with that you get some nice “seifuku” as an added bonus. if you’re like me, highschool was a bland and sometimes traumatic experience, and when i sit down after a tough day on the grind to stream some anime i want to escape into a world where school isn’t a scary place, but a welcoming, heavenly sanctuary where all my worries melt away and i don’t notice the precum forming a cold wet spot in the sweatpants my mom bought for me at target for christmas last year. Attack of the titans takes what makes anime enjoyable in the first place and does the exact opposite, it stomps all over you and leaves you dry and wondering why you even bothered, it’s like a tsun-dere of anime, except it’s 100% tsun and no dere at all, just pure hatred (thats a reference to bakemonogatari) it’s soulless garbage that doesn’t care about you, and for that reason, you end up not caring about it, either. The only thing that could save this anime from making me feel completely uninvolved would be if there was some kind of specialized titillation to wake me from my despair-induced coma, which brings me to my next point….

4. There isn’t enough service.
a show with so many characters, many of which being young teenagers with nubile bodies, has limitless possibilities for rewarding its loyal viewers with fanservice, but attack on titan forgets about its audience completely and exists in a void where none of its characters are sexy and hot. If i want to see two characters fucking or cleaning eachother’s ears i have to look up fan-art on sites that could give me a virus. there were so many opportunities, say, during the overly violent fight scenes, where a close up of a tight ass, or maybe a bit of breast jiggle (which would be realistic, considering how much these characters fly around) could have been shown to reward the viewers for sitting through such a grotesque mess, but unfortunately, the creators of this anime seek to betray us otaku by not including any sexualization at all. No yaoi scenes, no panties, no screenshots that id want to print out and shoot my wad all over then hide under my bed, nothing. it’s almost as if they’ve abandoned the people who support the anime industry entirely. they’ve turned their noses up at us otaku, the true and honest anime fans, only to churn out soulless crap to make money, and i find that deplorable. let’s be honest here, we’re all sexual beings, and i feel that titillating scenes in cartoons enhance my experience for the better, i’m no feminist and i’ll readily admit that when i see a nice pair of knockers, im not going to look away, it’s just natural for a red-blooded american such as myself. I want a show that’ll fill me with the urge to hurry over to my anime forum of choice and start a thread with “why is she/he so perfect?”, along with a picture of my favorite character, a show that isn’t afraid to be sexually liberated and give the fans what they came for. We’re adults, we watch anime, not cartoons. We have adult interests and that includes sex. Let’s be real here, if you haven’t thought about sticking your nose in between the ass cheeks of a sweaty anime ass then you’re probably gay.  Not even service in the form of harmless referential humor makes the cut in this snoozefest, so otaku can give up all hope of watching this show and nodding along or smirking at a passing reference to one of their anime favorites. How cool would it have been, if when all the characters have played out their xanatos gambit  (see: tvtropes) and took us for a ride with all the twists and turns in their complex plans, the camera focused on one of the characters standing slack-jawed in disbelief as their inner-monologue chimes in sarcastically with a “what is this?? Death N**te?!?!” or even some reference to an obscure mecha show from the 80’s that most people never watched.  Don’t like anime fanservice? looks like someone hates fun. with animation you can literally do anything, so why not add in various shots of girls covering eachother in oil and pissing everywhere?  why not throw in the beloved anime skit where the girl is naked and falls on top of a guy, and his finger accidentally penetrates her asshole, to which she replies with a shrill “uguu! baka echhi!!” it’s crippling to the creator’s imagination and the entire medium of anime to not allow these kinds of scenes, and lets down viewers who tune in hoping for some nice underboob or hot bishounen collarbones, you might as well just slap them in the face and tell them christmas is cancelled and that youre gonna peg them in the ass with a strapon sculpted out of solidified cum you found under your sons dresser next to his sonic plush dolls. Cry more, anti-otaku freaks who rally against my solemn right to jerk off to cartoons. its not just for fistfucking my peepee though, there can be artistic merit in a good ecchi scene that i enjoy from a purely intellectual standpoint, especially if there are nice foot/armpit shots

5. too many people watch it 
Watching popular shows is a death sentence for self respecting nerds, especially when it comes to anime. if you watch shows like Attack on Titans you might as well be watching Naruto or Bleach, as far as i’m concerned. My extensive catalogue of watched anime series includes every obscure and underground title that has ever been released to the masses, and i’d rather die than sell my soul to giant companies who vomit out 300 episode series without any substance. I root for the underdog companies, the rags to riches heroes who selflessly produce anime for us otaku and fine-tune each series to fit our specific needs, they’re the real otaku icons, the symbols of hope for the anime community. Will shows like Attack of the titans save anime? Not with so many scheming corporate bastards behind its conception, and so many mindless fans who will defend it to their dying breath and post about how gay they tihink the characters are for eachother. Watching a popular show after seeing how awful the fanbase is is akin to stumbling upon a hot BangBros vid, dick and warmed calamine lotion in hand, only to discover that hordes of faceless cyber goons with poor grammar are jerking it to that same video, posting in the comments section in real time about how they’re touching their filthy sinful little rods and indeed very close to cumming. Your dick strains against your pants a little at the thought of masturbating with a stranger on the internet, but ultimately a feeling of disgust washes over you and you realize that you’ll never be able to enjoy watching that hot hairy puss as it is repeatedly harpooned with diseased slippery cocks in the back of a van, knowing that other people have cummed to it before. It’ll never be the same

-im a video game journalist on kotaku and part-time writer for cracked.net who specializes in japanese culture, be sure to like favorite and subscribe 

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kakashl:

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