The Onion: ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant.

The Onion truly excels at helping us see thugs as human beings with the same range of emotions as all the rest of us.

Udoka Nweke faces murder if he is sent back to Nigeria, because mobs there tend to murder homosexuals. He asked for asylum in the US in December, 2016, and has been in prison ever since.

Proposing a maximum income limit, linked to most people's income. This way, high earners could only increase their post-tax income by helping everyone else get a higher income.

The bully wants to increase US involvement in Salafi Arabia's sickness-spreading intervention in Yemen.

Senator Merkley tried to visit a prison for baby immigrants, but they wouldn't let him in or tell him anything.

The motive for the policy of taking all babies away from their parents is to create what in the UK is called a "hostile environment". These babies are being used as hostages; hurting them is intended to make their parents miserable. Thus, the US has become the world leader in sadism.