Evolution produced the goosefish on very little sleep. Look, evolution, just go home and get some rest, okay? This isn’t helping anyone.

Credit: NOAA Okeanos Explorer Program, INDEX-SATAL 2010

Oh, evolution. You were doing so well with the lynx. You made it a fierce and graceful hunter, you gave it a luxurious spotted coat, you gave it pretty yellow eyes and tufted ears—and then you went and made it sound like this.

Source: Flickr/tambako (photo); Volodins Bioacoustic Group (sound)

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"Don’t touch this king crab."

"Sure, evolution."

"Seriously, don’t touch it."

"Yeah, okay, fine."

"I mean it this time."

"Yeah, I can see that."

"No, really. Don’t.”

"I think you’ve made your point."

Photo courtesy of NOAA Okeanos Explorer Program, 2013 Northeast U.S. Canyons Expedition.

"So I’m thinking of trying live birth in the tsetse fly.”

"What? Why? What’s wrong with laying eggs like all the other insects?"

"I don’t know, it just seems so inefficient. You go to all the trouble of making eggs, and then most of them just get squished or frozen or eaten for dinner before they can even develop. Why not just pop out a whole larva once a week and then be done with it?"

"Once a week?”

"Well, yeah, they’ve got to keep up with the egg-layers somehow."

"Gross, evolution."

"Miraculous, you mean."